Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
