is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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