so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so let's talk penis.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
