never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
