I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
