jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My dick has a subreddit
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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