Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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