How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize