his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if only i could text you this smell
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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