Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
