so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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