can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
