why didn't you poke me back
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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