Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
