Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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