Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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