The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
