Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
