Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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