good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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