Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
