so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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