I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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