Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
