Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
