Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
