just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
