my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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