are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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