I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
