I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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