I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
