So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
