Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
