Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My bed smells like the plague
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
