i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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