Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
