Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
