I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
