Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
