I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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