Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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