i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
