If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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