Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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