I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize