Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just had sex bonerless
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize