I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
