I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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