I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
