She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
