ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
