someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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