textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need to calm my uterus...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
