There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I touched a dick in church today
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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