you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
being pregnant is like rehab
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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