Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
