Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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