I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
