Umm I'm too high to move.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
