she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
