I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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