You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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