omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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